We bought a golf course!
Just kidding. On a list of fiscally responsible business decisions, this would fall somewhere between moving our headquarters to San Francisco and starting a tequila brand.
But, if we weren’t kidding, if we were to convince our finance team that this is a worthwhile investment in our future, here’s what it would look like…
Membership (or lack thereof)
Compliments aren’t the only thing that come free with purchase. So long as you’ve got our script on your hat, you’re in the club. Pay when you show up with discounted greens fees for rain and sleet—because we don’t have the luxury to be fair-weather golfers up here in the Midwest.
The Clubhouse
Northwoods dive bar meets the 19th hole. Cedar and fresh-cut grass. Club champion plaques beside antler mounts. It’s a place where everyone knows your name, every golfer has a story and no one cares about your handicap.
The Pro Shop
Do we even need to explain? All Waggle everything with a rotating selection of our favorite shoes and golf balls. Oh, and we also do skate sharpening.
Dress Code
We’re not going to charge you extra if you’re not wearing Waggle… but we are going to send a single with a push cart out after you to complain the whole round about your pace of play. Kidding. Just don’t wear jeans or we’ll have no choice but to offer you a new pair of Ace Pants at 30% off (on second thought, maybe do wear the jeans).
Driving Range
Part target practice, part carnival game. Dial in your distance by aiming for larger-than-life versions of our most beloved designs—from Cocky Rooster and Chubbs to Moon Shot and Flamingo Bay. Hit one, win the hat. Hit the ball picker, win all ten.
Course Difficulty
At Waggle Acres, we keep the vibes high and the ratings low. Wide open fairways, flat as Stanley. If you’re having a bad time, it’s your own doing—not because we threw a beach in the middle of 16.
Greens
When you grow up with a hockey stick, you’re not known for your touch. Which is why we made the greens extra soft and the gimmes extra generous. Do the same for the next golfer and we’ll call it good from there.
Caddies
We could all use a little help out there. Luckily, we’ve got a few friends who know their way around competition. Chandler Phillips delivers tour-level reads and plenty of hunting stories when the group ahead is taking their sweet time. Brock Faber is your guy for match play defense, plus a gold-medal system for attacking the pin. Jake Oettinger keeps the vibes high and the scores low. He’s got an elite save percentage when you find trouble and plenty of pop off the tee. And when it’s time for a clutch performance, there’s no one better than Taylor Heise—bringing grace under pressure and the fashion advice you need to also take home the league’s best dressed.
Turn Snacks
Glizzy after 9? Gotta have it. Pair with an Old Fashioned, tater tot hot dish and—our all-time trade show favorite—the Smuckers Uncrustable.
Bev Cart
Did you know the original Waggle polos were all named after drinks? You will when you see them all on our mobile menu. Tipsy Turtle, Kentucky Buck, Parrot Bay... The gang’s all here, just watch out for bev cart bandits at the turn.
Sounds pretty sweet, right? Alas, for now, Waggle Acres lives only in our imagination.
But if anyone out there happens to be selling a golf course—and our finance team suddenly stops monitoring our purchases—we’ll be ready.